I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
