shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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