I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
