My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
