I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
It's rum buckets o'clock
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
