Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
