bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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