in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
