I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
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It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
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