I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
