Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
she looked like the before picture.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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