I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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