I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR