Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.