You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
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I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?