Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
