How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
