gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
