so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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