You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
fuck your aforementioned shoe
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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