my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
