If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
