i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
