The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
