you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
