My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Randomize
