If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
