I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
