if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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