took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
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cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
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