After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
