Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize