My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
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