and you said cock pushups were impossible
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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