Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
