As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
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Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
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Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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