I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Randomize
