i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
