I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
