There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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