I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
