you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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