Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
