sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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