I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
