Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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