someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
