i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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