After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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