My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
