I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
