don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Randomize
