Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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