Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
