My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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