just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
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