After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
