My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
My feet surprised me
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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