I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
