he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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