you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
