im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
