i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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