It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
